Apples and Oranges

A few weeks ago, I created a few still life paintings. One of them came out pretty good (except for a few minor flaws) and the other one was OK but not perfect. There are always going to be issues with the things that I create and I realize that. What one pictures in their mind is not always what comes out on the canvas.  It's disheartening at times to look at a canvas and not see what you expected. Here is a picture of the still life I tried to create:

Here is what I painted. The colors are wrong. The orange slices are not bright enough or even positioned accurately, the background is too dark, the shadows are all messed up.

What I was expecting was that when I looked at it, I'd have this taste of juicy orange slices in my mouth, yet all I tasted was rinds. What happened (besides putting too much white)?  Discouraged, I put it aside and resolved to hold off on painting. "Maybe, I'm not any good at it," I thought. Except I don't think I'm horrible. Being good is not really why I paint in the first place. I paint because it is relaxing and takes my mind off of things. It lets me focus on one thing for one moment rather than on many things at once. So why should I quit?

I let these feelings sit with me a few days. As I looked at the world around me, the universe unfolded it's message to me giving me reasons to not quit. One answer came in the form of a comment on a YouTube video. A few weeks ago, I entered a contest by commenting on an instructional video about how and why to use gesso. Until that point, I had heard about gesso but wasn't sure about what it was for. Because of this instructional video, I can go into the many different ways to use it but I will spare everyone the details and just tell you that gesso can be used as painter's white out.  I forgot about the contest, so I was surprised to learn that I won a huge tub of gesso! So, lesson number one is one can always start over.

Lesson number two came in the form of a Brain Pickings post about Henri Matisse. Again, I knew of him, I'd seen some of his images, but I didn't know much about him. After reading the post, I found out that he started painting in his 40's and was pretty much ridiculed by the art community. It wasn't until he was much older that he received true recognition for his work. For me, again it isn't about recognition, it's about creating for me which is what Matisse wound up doing.

Lesson number three only occurs to me now. With all of the flaws that are in my painting, I failed to see what I did right. The orange slices are odd looking but one can tell what they are. The apple is round and has similar shading to what is in the picture. After showing my painting to a few people, I felt less disappointed. Many people had the impression that while there were some things wrong with it, they could do no better. Therefore, I must be more objective.

Here are the links to the above pages I've mentioned. Happy writing, painting and creating!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCmd6BZOoII
http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/02/10/the-iridescence-of-birds-henri-matisse/

Still Painting

It's been a crazy week. I'm creating a lot lately. I am crocheting scarves, hats and mittens, painting various different types of paintings and writing short stories.  I've got such a creative bug in me at the moment that the cleaning one vanished. Something has to give, let's be honest. Cleaning can always wait. Nobody can do absolutely everything even though some people try to portray themselves that way. All I can say is that I'm having such a good time doing creating and having fun. That is what life should be made up of, right?

Here is a picture of me wearing my new cowl neck scarf. It is made with a popcorn stitch. It took me two to three weeks to crochet. I love it as it is so soft and warm. It keeps that cold office air off of my neck.

Over the past year, I've taken painting tutorials to learn how to paint. The two paintings below are tutorials that can be found under Cinnamon Cooney's Hart Party on YouTube. Two weekends ago, I managed to do this cute little guy in two hours. 

This painting took me a while. I'm confident I could do a larger version at a quicker speed. I enjoyed this one immensely as it requires some of the same techniques that Van Gogh used called "stippling" which is a term that reminds me of a musical term called "staccato" which means brief sounds detached from other notes in a piece of music. In other words the painting strokes are short and detached from the other strokes. It's interesting how art, music and literature tend to overlap.

The picture below is a photograph that I took because I wanted to better my still life paintings and I figured what better objects can I paint other than fruit?

Here is the painting. I had no tutorial on this one. This was done from what the picture looked like. There are elements of the painting I don't like. The white smudging above the bananas was not supposed to come out that way. But what I do like is how the fruit came out. I think that this is one of the better still life's I've done despite the white marks. It is a real confidence booster when you are able to do something you couldn't only a year before.

 

At the moment, I am working on another still life. The new one has a wine bottle with wine in a crystal glass. I will post it when it is done. I hope this inspires people to do things that they would not have tried before.

Losing My Spark?

About a year ago, I read an article about a producer (and I can't remember which one) who said that people lose their creative edge as they get older and that this was the reason why he hires people who are under the age of thirty. I disagree with that person seeing that I am in my thirties and I believe that I still possess creative edge. Subsequently, I scoured the internet looking for other writers who became famous in their thirties. I found a long list of people who sold their novels in their 30's. I even read a piece about debut authors who published novels after their 40's. These people haven't lost their creative edge. I felt a little relieved. There are thousands of articles out there that claim that you can regain your creativity and passion, but there are also thousands of articles claiming that certain diets make you lose weight. 

Recently, I put a not so great poem on here. At the time, I thought, "this is pretty good," until a close friend pointed out some flaws. I realized pretty quickly that I shouldn't be posting poetry or prose I wrote the same day. I should have waited, put in a drawer for a week and then re-evaluated it. I wrote it on a whim to prove to myself that I could still write in meter, something that I used to love to do as a teenager in high school. In college, I learned more about it. I've read Mary Oliver's book, "A Poetry Handbook" over and over again to make sure that I grasp some of the principles that make poetry great, my poem was anything but.

Because my friendship with this person is profound and will forever be unchanging, I also discussed the fact that I do not have a high readership on this blog. So this someone decided to be blunt about my blog. What they said was this: It is not controversial enough. It has all the ingredients of what kind of person I am or what I'm interested in, but "nothing of interest for anyone else". I thought, well maybe this person is right. Maybe I don't provide enough opinion in my pieces. But then... this individual continued to tell me that I "lost" my spark. I asked why they thought that this was so to which they replied, "Well, it's because you aren't the same person as you were as when I met you. You've changed. I blame myself for it but the person who used to push herself to write back then is not the same person. You are different." 

As one could imagine, the conversation got me very upset. Not only had I been shown a flaw in my poem, told that my blog was useless drivel, but now I heard that my passion went out for milk and never came back. This person, who was supposed to be my source of inspiration, delivered me a cauliflower ear. Over the last few months I've made writing a morning habit. I hadn't thought that it was as inconsequential as making a bunny ear while tying my shoes.

So my question is, to those few readers out in the void, can you regain your spark? Does age have anything to do with losing your creative edge? Can I catch it (like Peter Pan catches his shadow)? Or is it gone forever?

(Image of Disney's Peter Pan)

A Poem for Today

Here is a poem for today. Because why not? I just feel like it. Considering that I've been reading poetry off and on for a few days, I decided to write one. Let me know if you like it.

"Phone Call"

by Elizabeth Lombard

Greeted by a loud hostile voice,
I hide my thoughts behind my teeth.
I wince at the abrasive noise
the silence the click bequeathed.

My delicate ears invaded
my belly's butterflies revived
while the life of the screen faded
only the dead numbers survived.

I'm left without any answers
my consciousness has kicked in
my fingers nimble, like dancers
dial the mad the caller again.

Painting in the New Year

Every year I resolve to lose weight, write more, read more, work out, be a better person, etc. Every year I break down mid March and wonder why I am doing what I am doing. By the end of the year I find myself sad that I never followed through with the promises that I made to myself. What kind of resolution are these? They are the kinds that are too broad to make. You can resolve to lose weight, but that means you have to do many things to make that change. It's hard for most people to stop eating junk, to start eating write, to calculate calories, to work out every day, plan out your meals.


It's just as hard to write a novel. What kinds of characters am I writing about? What are their stories? What are they like? What do they like? What do they look like? What is my story arc? What is this really about? etc. It is tough to stay on topic when you have a two year old roaming around the living room and you have to work a full time job so this means you have to get up early to squeeze in your writing time but what you really want to do is sleep.


Over the past year, I did write but mainly for myself. I also learned some new skills that I continue to work on despite the kinds of messes I've made with it (sometimes literal messes). I've become a painter and I love it. It is a wonderful thing to be able to express oneself while making art even if it isn't the art that you are accustomed to doing. When people move their eyes over an image that I created and express their desire to do exactly what I was able to do in a few hours, I feel glad. I was able to put away the fear of failing for a few short hours. That in itself has taught me a lot. Painting teaches me that my inner critic, ever present while I am writing, needs to be silenced. I let the suppressed feelings out and allow them to roam. It has allowed me to be more creative and to take chances that I haven't taken before.


So this year there are no resolutions. There is only the wish to stay the same or to get slightly better at the things that I have worked on all year. I am not going to take a leap of hope only to find myself in the gorge of despair next year. I am not going to resolve to write more or to even read more of a particular author. I am just going to be a painter of words. I will plop them down, smear words across the page with as much feeling as I can muster. I hope they scatter around the world bringing light to other people's dark, for that is what every writer hopes.


Here, here to a yellow New Year! I hope everyone's New Year is as bright as they paint it.

Gifted Books

Tonight I sat down to a silent television for the first time in months. Normally when I sit down it is going full blast and I am unable to hear the television programs upstairs. However, tonight is a rare night. I came into my sitting room to read. Alexis was asleep at a decent hour and for the first time in a long time I picked up some books. Now don't get me wrong, I am constantly reading. It's just that it was the first time I actually sat on the couch and didn't hear a sports game raging in the background. It's the first time I didn't have to read Maisy for the hundredth time.

For Christmas, I received some books from Emil. One of which I was coveting since 2001 called "Poetry Speaks". I found an extended and updated version. I wanted it but I always provide reasons to myself as to why I shouldn't buy expensive books of poetry. I am so glad to receive it. In the recordings they have the great poets like Tennyson, Browning and Whitman. I have not heard the latter two, but I did listen to Tennyson tonight. It was amazing to hear him read "The Charge of the Light Brigade". The pacing and the singing quality of the author's voice was wonderful. While the recording was not clear in some places, due to the way it was recorded (a la wax cylinder), it was interesting to hear him read his own work. Aside from the recordings, what is also fabulous about this book is that other living poets dissect the work of their predecessors. Some of these poets I have not heard of which gives me reason to look up their work as well.

Another fabulous book I received is entitled "By the Book" which is a compilation of authors and questions they are asked about their writing and about which books have influenced them. It was compiled by Pamela Paul. I listen to her book podcast on the New York Times Book Reviews. She has so many interviews. While some questions are repeat questions and feel more like a letter that was sent to the author, others are different. There were some really interesting responses. Neil Gaiman being one of them. I have not gotten through the book yet, but it is also being devoured.

Then of course there was another book I wanted. It is called "The Literary 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential Novelists, Playwrights and Poets of All Time". Of course I know many of the writers that this book has highlighted, but this is also a revised edition and includes 25 additional writers. I have not read all of the writers listed in this book. There are a few that I have never heard of. I will have quite the course reading writers I have not read.

Emil is so good to me to buy me books for my holiday presents. I feel spoiled as I pointed out books that I would love to have but wouldn't normally buy. I stick mainly to works of fiction. I go to the library for books and I've been reading from my stash. To have a bunch of books that educate me makes me quite happy seeing that I can forego the grad school costs.

Have there been books that you've wanted but haven't bought? Have there been any books you received as gifts that have influenced you?

Multiple Personalities

I know that it has been months since I've posted on here. I'm letting that deter me. It was a busy year and I've little to show for it except my growing daughter, a few paintings and a book of journal entries an inch thick. If I were to say that I haven't learned anything during the year, I'd be lying. This year has taught me something about perseverance. I have a hard time sticking with things. I've short stories written but not revised, paintings painted but not displayed, things crocheted but not given to the people I wanted to give them to. So here I am with everything half done. I find myself wanting the life I have not yet strived for. So now, I am left with an overwhelming worry about what I will leave behind. All I can see is it will be a tub full of half written/painted/crocheted stuff.



I have friends that tell me, "Well you have a child. You work full time. Give yourself some credit." I very well could say all of these things. They are all true. If every woman said that, Toni Morrison wouldn't have become a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist. For a woman, having a child shouldn't be a crowning achievement nor should it be her only identity. I often find myself asking what am I? What is my identity? When I try to answer it I get so many personalities that I may as well be committed. I'm sure that I am not the only woman who feels this way.



So here's to a new year pregnant with the promise of follow through. I will be looking forward to finishing my stories and sending them out places. I have many ideas for more stories and paintings.